Her Minion
by VanillaMostly
Summary: Ch3. Sakura gives Sasuke love lessons, and Itachi suddenly enters the pic. Sasusaku HIATUS
1. Stay Away, Monster

A/N: Where Sakura is the vampire and Sasuke is her bitch.

**I am a feminist. I've come to admit it. So sue me.**

**Once again, reaaaaaaaaaaally OOC Sasuke, but hey, this IS AU.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, I only borrow characters from that show and make them do terrible things.

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**Sakura **

Vampire stories are so cliche.

I mean, why is it always the guy who's the vampire? You know, the whole damsel-in-distress thing. The girl always gets attacked and she screams helplessly while a guy vampire sucks her blood. In a very sexually-charged, perverted manner.

I cannot begin to tell you how offended I am by this.

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**Sasuke **

I am so goddamn tired of old men hitting on me.

I MEAN IT. I just wish people would stop mistaking me for a gay.

Or a girl.

Because!!! I am NOT gay - or a girl. What, just because I actually shower and care about my personal hygiene and wear ok, nice clothes I'm homo? Or I'm a girl??

Damn, why did I have to take after my mom.

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**Sakura**

There goes the umpteenth girl who looked at me with disappointment and went, "What? YOU'RE a vampire?"

She obviously expected some pale, angsty, handsome dark-haired male standing right there who may or may not sparkle in the sun.

"Do I need to start crossdressing or something?" I asked the sky in annoyance before I bit her neck and killed her.

Haha, jk. I don't kill. That's another stupid cliche. It's like - for you humans to eat a 120-pound turkey and throw up all over the place. As if I had that big of an appetite. Plus I have to watch my weight.

So I punched her unconcious, took a good sip of her blood, and then covered up her little wound with a Spongebob bandaid.

There. Lunch, finished.

See, that's why we vampires live so long and never get caught - we clean up nice. And oh, alright, maybe the anesthetic in our saliva that erases a person's memories up to thirty-five minutes before the blood-drinking happened might have something to do with it.

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**Sasuke**

I did not see what I just see.

RIGHT??

Here I am, regular day, going to Naruto's to shoot some baskets, and I'm passing through my shortcut in one of the alleys and I run into two girls getting it on with each other.

Well, that's what I thought at first.

So I immediately step back behind the wall before they notice. I was shocked because this was the first time I have ever seen... you know... that kind of thing. Anyway, I was GOING to turn away and give up on the shortcut but then, Naruto and Kiba's faces popped up in my head.

"Oh man, are you really gay or what? It's every guy's hottest fantasy come true, two lesbians making out!"

To prove my manliness, I sighed and decided to take a peek.

One of the girls looks up, and I see that her mouth is pretty bloody. The other girl's lying there with her eyes closed and her throat all... bloody.

Now I don't know how kinky things can get, but somehow I DON'T think this is normal.

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**Sakura**

After wiping my mouth with a Kleenex - good, I did not get any blood spilled on my new shirt - I turned to leave. Time for some shopping, or movies, maybe.

To my surprise, someone steps out from behind a garbage can and confronts me in a poorly disguised brave voice. "What... did you just do?"

I stare at the person for a moment. "You have a really low voice for a girl," I observed.

The person's eyes widened, then narrowed. "I'm not a girl."

"Oh." This was awkward. "Sorry, it's just - your features are really delicate - "

The person - guy, ok, I see now - glanced at my lunch with a frown.

"Don't worry about her, she'll live," I said, stepping forward to move past him.

He flinched and drew back, casting a look of absolute fear at me. "Stay away, you monster."

I noticed that he really had the dark-pretty-boy thing going on. His skin was really pale too.

"Hey," I grinned, a plan forming in my mind. "Do you want to be my minion?"

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**Sasuke**

Her exact words were: "You're gonna be my slave or else I'll eat you."

Don't have much of a choice, do I?

"My problem is, a guy's blood isn't very tasty. Their skin smells a lot like sweat and that's already pretty gross. A girl's blood is a lot sweeter, ya know? But the thing is, they're hard to catch. Being a girl myself, it's hard to seduce them. Human girls tend to go into dark alleys with some hot, dark, mysterious dude more than they will with a pink-haired girl like me. Most of my previous catches have been either idiots or lesbians (in which case I have to really protect myself).

"Anyway, that's where you come in. You've got the whole hot-vampire look down pat. Girls will definitely fall for a casual 'Hey, wanna go somewhere with me?' You lure them into an alley like this one, or any other secluded area, and I drink their blood. A great plan, see?"

No, I don't see. "What do I get in this?" I demanded.

"The ability to remain alive."

"You just said you don't like to drink a guy's blood."

"Yeah, but your skin is soft, and you smell clean and nice and soapy. I'm betting your blood won't taste that bad. In fact, I would love to pounce on you and dig my sharp fangs into your throat right now if it weren't for your potential usefulness."

I waited. She shrugged a shoulder at me. "So what do you say?"

I glared at her. "Fuck my life."

"That's the spirit!"


	2. No Food

**Ch2: No Food**

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**Sasuke**

"Yo, teme!" yelled Naruto as he practically tackled me. "C'mon, you up for the game against Suigetsu and Neji? We're so gonna cream their asses!"

"Dobe," I said, slapping my forehead. "How much did you bet this time?"

"What, only your Nintendo DS, but it's not like we can't win."

Before I could strangle him, Naruto yelped and pointed at something in front of the school gates. "Woaaaah, hot chick alert!"

Exasperated, I glanced behind me - and nearly choked to death on my own spit.

"What's she doing here?" I gaped in horror.

"Huh, you know her?" asked Naruto.

I tried to turn around and escape somehow, but way too fast, a hand clapped my shoulder. "Hello, Sasuke-kuuuuuuunn!"

She had successfully forced me to hand her my student passbook, wallet, and cellphone the day before.

She did give back my student passbook and cellphone (after keeping note of all my private information i.e. name, address, school, birthday, etc on her phone) but walked away with my $8.75, promising me she'll "be in touch."

I really hate her.

"She your girlfriend, teme?" gasped Naruto.

"Oh nooo," the freak said. "'Course not. You can say I'm his - ummm - boss. Sasuke got this new job at my place yesterday."

"Man, why didn't you tell me!" whined Naruto.

"Speaking of which, we've gotta go! Talk to you later, honey-pie!" She winked and waved at Naruto as she yanked me out of there.

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**Sakura**

"Yes, yes, looking good."

The boy, Sasuke, tried to send me death rays with his eyes - like it'll work. I'm already dead. "What the hell IS this?"

"Eyeliner, of course! We gotta make your eyes _smolder_."

"No! I'm not doing it!" I detected desperation in his voice and decided to take it down a notch. I did not need little boys crying on me.

"Ok, fine. We'll just go with what we have." I crossed my arms sternly. "Remember what I just told you, ok? Don't go after those goth-chicks. They might be smoking pot or something and I don't want to be high for an hour. Same with anyone seemingly involved with alchohol. Believe me, I've been there, done that."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered.

"They can't be sweaty and gross, ok? Go for one of those flowery-sundress-wearing-girls-with-curly-hair."

"Alright."

"Make sure they're not just applying sunblock because that stuff smells really bad to me."

"Uh-huh."

"Ok then! You're ready!"

"Sure," said Sasuke, and turned quickly to go.

"Hoho..." I grabbed him by the shoulder. "Didya think I was that stupid? Huh?"

He glared. "What."

"Oh please, I knew you were just going to hightail it out of here and never come back once I let you go. Too bad I'm one step ahead of you. Maybe you forgot I'm a vampire..."

"What're you doing? Get away from me -"

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**Sasuke**

I can't believe this. I can't believe this.

"I'm gonna die," I said.

"You will not," she huffed. "I told you. It's just a mild bit of poison. You don't feel anything right now, do you? Of course, it will be excrutiatingly painful diarrhea if you don't get the antidote in an hour. I guess in a way that is worse than death."

"Did you forget to tell me you were a witch too?" I asked sarcastically.

"What, has no one told you that vampires know a little sorcery? Naturally we would pick up a few tips here or there back when we drank blood from alchemists and such. Now, hurry and go. You've already wasted five minutes."

"You - "

She smiled evilly. "Do you want the antidote or not...?"

I went.

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**Sakura**

"What did I tell you?" I sighed, shaking my head.

"G-give me the... " He couldn't continue as another wave of strong bowel contraction gripped his stomach.

"I thought the deal was very clear: no food for me, no antidote for you."

"B-but..."

After fifteen minutes of listening to his moans and groans, though, I sighed and tossed aside my _Vogue_ magazine. "Ok, but only because the bathroom stench is reaching me from even over here."

I opened the bathroom door a crack, threw in the bottle of antidote (I made sure to only leave enough for a mouthful in there, just in case he tried to cheat me by stowing some in his shoe - I think of everything, you see) and went back to _Vogue_.

Finally, he emerged, pale and sickly. I told him to give me one good reason not to be angry before I slap him.

"Because," he began. Then stopped.

"Spit it out, unless you really want me to slap you. Or we can repeat the wrestling move from yesterday when you wouldn't give me your cellphone."

He glared (it is his only passive-aggressive offense available). "Because I - I couldn't do it."

"You couldn't ask one girl out?"

He glared again. "Shut up."

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A/N: I apologize for the late chapter... thank you to all you kind souls who reviewed! I was starting to lose interest and thinking "wow this is a dumb story, how am i ever gonna continue?" I think it's time to bring in other characters, Ino, Hinata... etc etc... Sad thing is, I stopped reading Naruto quite a while back. I just lost interest in that series. But I still love reading Naruto fanfiction and I still love the original Konoha 12 characters. That's why I really will continue this story... until perhaps one day I hit a block wall. But ANYWAY. My POINT is: since this fic is AU, it'll have like, NOTHING to do with Naruto the manga or anime anymore. I'm just going to borrow some characters' faces and their personalities (somewhat) and write, ok? Ok. Peace.

Oh yeah, **next chapter** is titled **Chick Problems**. Sasuke shall get love lessons from Sakura. Mwahaha.


	3. Your Eyes Are So Beautiful

Ch3: Your Eyes are So Beautiful

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**Sasuke**

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I'm not afraid of girls.

I just hate them.

They're just so... giggly and annoying and always so silly and stupid. And they're like roaches: the more you try to distance yourself from them, somehow the more they keep swarming your way. Ugh. (I swear, how can people say I LOOK like one? I don't act the way they do. At all.)

This one, though - she's not a roach. More like a leech.

"I should have forseen this problem," groaned The Leech. "I knew this plan was too good to be true. But how the heck was I supposed to guess that this pretty boy is a total girl-wooing retard?"

I was about to get really pissed, but then it struck me: if I'm so stupid (and who was she calling a retard, she has freaking pink hair) then she's got to let me go. No point in having a slave who can't get the job done.

Seeing that she was still too busy moping with that magazine covering her face, I seized the opportunity to leave. (Her lair, thank God, was not some complicated maze or full of hidden zombies, but a pretty normal apartment. Minus the blood stains everywhere.)

THWACK. (So close! Just when I'm at the door.)

She yanked my earlobe and in that fake sweet voice (which by now I know it means she's really mad), said, "Where are you going, Sasuke-kun? Our love lessons haven't started yet."

Like I said, I really hate girls.

Especially vampire ones.

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**Sakura**

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God, he was a wimp.

"God, you're a wimp," I said.

Trust me to be doing HIM a favor in the end. Seriously. I should get paid for this kind of stuff.

"Chin raised, shoulders back," I announced. He didn't move, so I had to mechanically move his shoulders back and raise his chin for him. "Smile." He didn't smile. "Ohmygosh. Do I have to do everything around here?"

"No one's asking you to do anything," he scowled, going straight into Whining Mode.

"That's cute. Keep that pout on."

I peeked from behind the telephone booth. "Ok, twelve o'clock, very pretty girl with dark straight hair. That's your target. Remember everything I've taught you: be casual, but make eye contact. Look sheepish - and blush, yeah, blushing's good. You have to start with, 'I know this is really out of the blue, but...' or else she'll think you're a stalker."

"Hitting on her in the first minute," snorted Sasuke. "Sure, she won't think I'm a stalker."

"It's not like I have all day to sit around while you build trust or whatever. I'm hungry because SOMEONE needs a tutorial on how to flirt, remember?" I stepped on his foot to make my point. "Oh, hurry and go before she's gone."

I grabbed him by his shirt collar as he tried to run away and shoved him towards his target.

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**Sasuke**

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You know what? I'm not doing this because she force-fed me stomach poison again and might possibly suck my blood dry if I say no.

I'm doing this to stay alive so that one day, when she's got her guard down, I'll kill her.

Yeah. I don't care if she's apparently immune to onions or garlic or sunlight or crosses.

I'll find her weakness. Then I'll have my revenge.

So yes. THAT is the reason why I obediently walked up to the girl the Leech was talking about and got ready to degrade myself.

Painfully.

"Hey, you," I said. The girl turned and I almost jumped back a foot. She's got freaking white eyes! Is she blind?

Wait, that's a good thing. If she's blind, she won't know what I look like or who I am.

"Yeah, so..." I sighed and recited the lines the Leech had made me memorize. "Your eyes are so beautiful I want to fall in. Them. Or something. I can't remember."

The girl blinked at me slowly - crap, maybe she isn't blind? "Um... excuse me?"

Forget it. If she's not blind she might recognize me, so I better make this fast. "Look, I'll just get to the point: do you want to get a bite to eat or whatever with me?"

"Um... no?"

"Ok then," I said. I shrugged at the Leech, who was still spying on us by the telephone booth. Hey, at least I tried. She can't blame me for that.

"S-sorry!" The girl squealed, blushing bright red. "I'm just kind of b-b-busy right now..."

"Yeah, that's ok - "

She grabbed my arm as I tried to leave. "I'm really sorry! I hope I didn't hurt your feelings... Don't worry, the right person for you will appear one day!" she added passionately, as if her point wasn't clear enough.

"I'm not _worried_, so can you just let me g - "

"YO SASU-TEME! WAS THAT JUST ME OR DID THIS GIRL TOTALLY DUMP YOU? HAAAAAAAHAW!"

Three things happened at once: Naruto collapsed onto the ground amidst his screams of laughter, the white-eyed girl yelped and ran away, and I wanted to kill myself.

"Hey, why'd she run like that?" Naruto asked, so surprised that he stopped laughing as he watched the girl sprint like there was no tomorrow. "Hmm, it's weird but, I think I saw her this morning when I was buying ramen... and yesterday when I was going to the pool... and the day before that when I was getting my mail... Oh well, whatever. By the way, why are you here, teme? I thought you hate McDonald's."

Silence.

"Teme? Hello? ... Damn, why is everyone disappearing on me today!"

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**Sakura**

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"Well, there you go," Sasuke said. "I just hit on Naruto's stalker."

I whacked him on the head.

"OW! What was that for?"

"Oh, ok, let me ask you something too! What was that 'Ok then' business?"

"What 'ok then' business?"

"Why the _hell_ " - another whack - "did you give up just like that, as soon as she said no? Seriously, didn't I teach you to be more PERSISTENT? And how could you SCREW UP that opening line? Didn't I - "

"I get it! Just shut up, people are staring."

Great, I'd forgotten that we were walking down a big street. I ignored some old lady whispering, "Did that young girl have _fangs_ or did I imagine it?" and yanked Sasuke by the arm as I glanced around for an alley to duck into. "When we get home, you're totally going to get it," I hissed.

"Why can't you accept the fact that maybe I'm not cut out for this? Maybe you need another slave," he said hopefully.

"Or _maybe_, you can go and find me another slave while I - "

"Sasuke? Is that you?"

I frowned in confusion when I saw Sasuke's expression change to one of pure resentment and hatred. Especially since that expression was not directed at me.

"I thought that was you... wow, long time no see. Is that your girlfriend?" A male voice was saying with the hint of a smile.

That does it. I just had the worst day and this smooth-talking douchebag comes up and interrupts me in the middle of my ranting. "For your information," I said angrily, whirling around, "I am NOT this idiot's girlfr - "

I froze.

Because standing before me was a person, who - I knew at first glance...

... was my soul mate.

I just knew.

"Itachi," glowered Sasuke. "What are you doing here?"


End file.
